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Katie van Schaijik

Testing for soundness in relationships

Aug. 21 at 8:44am

I don't know if I can call it the number one lesson of my adulthood to date, but it's up there. I have learned that individuals and groups who seem to be wonderful may actually be badly mired in dysfunction, that is to say, unsound. An unsound group or individual can't manage right interpersonal relations, just as an unsound physical structure can't support weight. No matter how noble their aim and how good and sincere their intentions, they will spread harm and injustice.

Take the Covenant Communiites of the '80s. Take the Legion of Christ. These are my go-to examples, because they're such clear-cut, out-there cases of abusiveness disguised as holiness. Both groups were full of sincere, faith-filled individuals. Both professed orthodoxy and adherence to the Church. For decades they looked for all the world like ideal Christian communities, until the wretched disorder at their center came to light, followed by a flood of heart-wrenching stories of terrible damage done in countless lives.

I've encountered many cases that were less thorough-going, but still deeply probematic: groups, insititutions and apostolates staffed with sincerely religious people working on great causes, but disorded in one way or another, so that innocent parties ended up badly injured and bitterly disillusioned.

The same is true of families. It seems every week I come across a new story, like this one: A prominent, apparently exemplary Christian family—leaders in this or that ministry—turns out to be harboring sex offenders or embezzling funds, and covering up evil of one kind or another. Associates or members of the family who try to raise concerns are marginalized and pressured to keep quiet, shunned for "gossip" or "unforgiveness" or "emotional problems." I am thinking, too, of all the instances of parents trying to get justice for children molested by priests being admonished by diocescan officials to keep silent lest they "bring scandal" on the Church.

The same is true of individuals. Remember Robert Hanssen, the father-of-six Opus Dei, FBI double agent? Remember Bruce Ritter?

Rev. Bruce Ritter (February 25, 1927 – October 7, 1999) was a Catholic priest and one-time Franciscan friar who founded the charity Covenant Housein 1972 for homeless teenagers. By the 1980s, it had grown to an $87 million agency, operating numerous large centers in New York and six other major United States cities, as well as locations in Toronto, Canada and Latin America.

In 1990 Ritter was forced to resign from Covenant House after widespread reports that he had engaged in sexual relations with several youth in the care of the charity, and had financial improprieties in the operations of the organization.

Recently I learned from my daughter of a large, prominent Catholic family where she used to go to school. It's just come out that the father is a bigamist. All these years, he had a second family, and no one knew.

There are less extreme cases too, of course—cases of people, who while obviously good and devout on one level are basically unsound on another. It's sobering for me to realize how often I've been wrong about people I thought I knew—people on whose Christian maturity I thought I could rely, only to discover belatedly that they had character issues of the kind that make all but superficial relations practically impossible. To be close to them is to be ill-used. To object to ill-usage is to be blamed for selfishness or arrogance or lack of charity, or what have you.

I've learned that part of the problem is in me. I've been too undiscerning and "boundaryless". An ardent longing for the warmth and closeness of friendship and the stimulation and support of true community has led me to draw too close too soon and entrust too much of myself—my time, my emotional energy, and my money—in people who turn out to be incapable of the reciprocity of authentic friendship. And I've had unsoundnesses of my own, which have led to the ruin of more than one promising relationship.

It's been a costly education, but I'm glad I've had it.

The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding. (Proverbs 4:7)

It goes without saying, I hope, that none of us is perfect. We all fall short. We all commit sins. We all do things daily that offend God and hurt even the people we love most. But we also know through faith and experience that there is a remedy for this: We can take responsibility for our bad acts and omissions; we feel and show contrition for the wrongs we've done and the pain we have inflicted; we can apologize sincerely to the one(s) we've harmed, and we can do our best to make amends. This should be a normal part of the Christian life.

I've learned, though, that there are many Christians—even seemingly exemplary Christians in influential positions engaged in worthwhile apostolates—who don't do this, who even seem unable to do it. They can grant the general principle that they're sinners and that they have faults. But they evidently can't bear the humliation of owning their actual, concrete wrongs. When they are charged with wrong, they respond with denial, anger, self-pity, and accusation. 

Whatever their culpability (which is for God, not me to judge), the result is unsoundess. Injustice goes unaddressed; wounds fester; and spiritual infection spreads.

It was true in the Legion; it was true in the Covenant Communities. It's true all over the place.

So, over the years I've learned to keep my distance from dysfunction, and I've developed a fail-safe test for detecting it.

Observe: How does the person or group respond to good-faith criticism?

Do they

A) receive it humbly? Do they ask themselves whether it's true, because they want to know if it's true? Do they apologize sincerely? Do they offer amends? or,

B) deflect it? Do they treat it as "attack" or persecution? Do they accuse their critics of "problems"—bitterness, envy, uncharity, whatever?

If the answer is A, you have a winner. This is a person or group that can be relied on to do justice, or at least to seek justice. It's not perfect (since it's human), but it's basically sound and healthy.

If the answer is B, you are looking at dysfunction. It's best to disengage. Do not send money, do not spend energy, do not lend public support. (Public support for groups that are habitually unjust is salt in the wounds of the people they have harmed. Think of how painful John Paul II's embrace of Maciel was for Maciel's victims. Think what it was like for people whose lives were wrecked in Covenant Community to see its leaders being extolled by bishops.)

Now, some notes to qualify.

1) To work properly, this test can't be administered artificially. That is to say, you can't just come up with something to criticize, so you can see how criticism is handled. You have to wait until you have a genuine concern—something that really worries or upsets you. You have to be aware—deeply and truly aware—that you are criticizing in good faith, out of a desire to do good or stop harm. This means, among other things, that real intimacy takes time. It is unwise to trust a person or group with much of yourself and what is precious to you until the relationship has undergone and passed this test.

2) The criticism must be warranted. Some "criticism" is in itself out of bounds. It calls for a rebuke. If my neighbor were to look over my fence and preach to me about spending money on perrenials that I could have given to the poor, I'd be perfectly right to say, "Back off; it's none of your beeswax" (or words to that effect.)

Unless we're especially close to another person, or in a position of objective superiority over her (she's our young child, or our student, say), we trespass when we issue corrections of her moral being or her prudential choices. We're always out of bounds when we intrude without call on the sovereign territory of another's subjectivity.

The criticism I have in mind with this test is different in kind; it is "situated" in the objective, interpersonal realm. It has to do with acts and omissions that affect others. "This is what you did, or I suspect you did. This is the law you broke, or the boundary you crossed. Here is the evidence; here is the damage done; what have you got to say to me?" In such a case, the right response is never, "How dare you question my integrity?!" or "Who do you think you are to accuse me?!" or "I don't understand why you would attack this great work of God I'm doing" or "Nobody's perfect" or "You are not handling this the way you should" or "You have problems too." The right response always involves an implicit, humble recognition of the fact that it is all too likely that I crossed a line, since I'm a sinner with lots of faults and blind spots. It involves an awareness that the one who brings my wrong to my attention does me a service and deserves my respect and gratitude. And it involves an honest, unshrinking look at both objective reality and individual claiming to have been harmed by me. 

3) This test works even if the criticism you have turns out to be wrong, objectively. Imagine, for instance, that you begin to suspect that your supervisor at the non-profit where you work is embezzling funds. It is starting to make you sick with worry. You wait; you pray; you finally decide to approach him with your worry and your evidence. And it turns out that there is a perfectly innocent (true) explanation for what had looked unethical to you. You can still learn all you need to know from how he responds to your approach. Did he get angry or self-pitying? Did he condescend? Did he attack your character and competence? Or did he express gratitude for your sincere intention to protect the integrity of the organization and your straight-forwardness in approaching him directly? Did he show you the exonerating evidence willingly, or did he just demand that he be trusted? Was there humility and kindliness in his attitude, or was it all pride, self-righteousness, and indignation?

4)  It takes some time to grade this test. Often a person's initial reaction to criticism is defensive, but after he's reflected, he changes his tune. "I'm sorry I was so defensive. I know you were trying to help. And, thinking it over, I see that you're right."

5) This test can be self-administered. I mean, we can (and should) use it to check our own soundness. Most of us, being human and growing up in an imperfect world, have spongy spots in our character. We have areas of our life that we regard, practically speaking, as above criticism. Someone challenges us in that area, and we react badly. Or we have particular relationships that are afflicted with dysfunction. Until much too late in life, for instance, I wasn't really open to criticism from my children. If they criticized me, I typically responded by reprimanding them for disrespect. Part of what helped me get over this was Jules saying, on more than one emotionally fraught occasion, with his characteristic calm, "I think he (or she) has a point." I had to learn (to my intense chagrin) that being the mother doesn't mean always being in the right, and that being Jules' wife doesn't mean he's bound to back me up no matter what I do. Sometimes, he needs to defend our kids from my wrong.

Ask yourself sincerely: How do I handle honest criticism? Do I accept it or deflect it? Do I view it as help or as an attack? Do I make excuses for myself or do I apologize, from my heart, for real wrong done? (Not just in the confessional, but to the face of the one I've hurt?) Generally speaking, do I feel contrition? Or do I only feel injured because I've been accused? If I can't remember the last time I really owned and acknowledged mistreatment of another person, I should realize that it suggests that I am either a saint or afflicted with unsoundness. (And, be honest, which is more likely?) It may be time for a "fearless moral inventory."

6) "Disengaging" doesn't mean blowing off; it doesn't mean seeking vengeance or stewing in bitterness. It's not indifference; it's not incompatible with Christian charity or with the command to forgive. Rather, it's like the "shake the dust from your sandals" of the New Testament. It is a recognition of the real. For whatever reason, at this time, this person or group is unable or unwilling to receive what you have to offer and make a due return. Therefore, move on, and spend your energies elsewhere. 

7) "Dysfunctional" and "unsound" don't mean "irredeemable" or "unforgiveable." Nor do they mean "no good." If there were not lots of good to be found in the Legion, the Church would have condemned it outright. Instead, she's working to help it reform. Same goes for the Communities. I have in mind, too, the much milder case of an apostolate I supported financially until recently. It's a great cause with a lot of nice people working for it. But it did some bad work, and when that was pointed out by many supporters, instead of issuing an apology and making a course correction, the leadership responded by closing ranks, touting the Christian devotion and heroism of its staff, and attacking its critics for their lack of charity. Later, that same leadership expressed shock and dismay over the fact that donations are down sharply. My hope for this group is not that they are destroyed, but that they are reformed. In any case, unless and until they reform, my support will be going elsewhere.

Why do I bring all this up? I bring it up because I see dysfunctional interpersonal relations as one of the central problems and challenges of our time.

I said in an earlier post that persons are made for communion. We suffer without it, and we suffer when it's disordered or badly done. 

In his Letters from Lake Como, Romano Guardini reflected on the implications for the person of the perishing of the "old world" that had formerly rooted and shaped his existence and his relationships. That world is gone. In its place something new is arising. Accordingly, our way of being must be new. He goes so far as to call for a new form of humanity:

A new humanity must emerge of more profound intelligence, new freedom, new inwardness, new form, new ability to give form.

I propose that the task of "giving new form" applies first and foremost to our way of relating ourselves to ourselves and others. The old, dysfunctional forms have to go.


 

Kate Whittaker Cousino

I have related this story so many times that I am sure anyone who knows me at all well has heard it, but it made such a lasting impression on me. I was a teen. My mother was concerned about my welfare (I was being uncharacteristically close-lipped), and she knew I had been corresponding with my brother who was away at college. Rather than ask him whether she had anything to worry about (and trust his judgment if he said I was ok), she chose to read my emails to him. When I discovered this, I was furious. We argued about it for a couple of days on and off. 

Then Sunday came, and we went to Mass, still angry. And when we came out of Mass, my mother drew me aside and told me, "I was wrong. I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?" 

She humbled herself in prayer, and it led her to recognize the real harm she had done me and our relationship. This blew me away. 

#1 - Aug. 21 at 11:27am | quote

 

Kate Whittaker Cousino

If being able to accept correction is a sign of a trustworthy person, being able to accept correction from someone you are in a position of authority over may be the gold standard. 

#2 - Aug. 21 at 11:37am | quote

Katie van Schaijik

That's a beautiful story! I'm glad you tell it often. 

Kate Whittaker Cousino, Aug. 21 at 11:37am

If being able to accept correction is a sign of a trustworthy person, being able to accept correction from someone you are in a position of authority over may be the gold standard. 

I agree. At the same time, it seems to me strange that it's so rare among Christians, since it's so basic to the gospel. Humble yourself; the last shall be first and the first shall be last; let him who will be great make himself the servant of all...

This seems to me a major theme of Pope Francis' papacy too. If we want to help others, we have to present ourselves not as righteous ones, explaining to the others where they're wrong, but as sinners who have found help and grace.

#3 - Aug. 21 at 12:21pm | quote

 

Kate Whittaker Cousino

I wouldn't say it is especially rare among Christians, but it may be rare among public Christians, those who are affected (infected?) by the "culture wars" narrative and envision themselves as courageous warriors against a hostile world. That narrative seems to attract people who value being right (ie. holding the 'right' opinions) as much (and often more) than doing right. 

On the other hand, ruthless self-examination and consciousness of one's own faults may actually deter others from taking public or visible roles (or result in those people being actively discouraged).

The authentically humble, I suspect, don't tend to be all that concerned with looking holy or humble or counter-cultural. They are too busy working out their own salvation in fear and trembling. And so they aren't necessarily going to be one of those people or families or groups that make people on the outside say, "I want to be like ____. They've really got it together."

#4 - Aug. 21 at 1:01pm | quote

Katie van Schaijik

Well, maybe you're right. It's an interesting thought. My sense of what's normal among Christians might be distorted by the fact that I've spent so much of my life around what you're calling public Christians.

#5 - Aug. 21 at 1:25pm | quote

 

SarahG

I really like what you've written here Katie, and totally agree with you in regards to personal holiness.  We should all be taking a good, hard look at our reactions to legitimate criticisms and explore our motives behind those reactions.  

But I'm having trouble with this line of thought as it relates to Catholic organizations.  Sometimes (usually?) organizations are run by more than one person - boards of directors, presidents, vp's, etc.  How far does one go when supporting organizations?  When one/two people who work there make a bad decision, and the organization as a whole chooses not to throw them under the bus?  I suppose the question is highly subjective - what person, making what mistake, affecting how many people, etc., but I found your words harsh in respect to ceasing to support an apostolate that "did something bad".  Apostolates, communities, movements - they're almost all doing a bad thing here and there amongst the good they're doing. I think it's very rare that you find an organization that is completely free of any error or wrong in their history - or bad reaction to an error or wrong.  I'm just wondering where we draw the line.  

#6 - Aug. 27 at 7:56pm | quote

Katie van Schaijik

Hi Sarah. Thanks for commenting.

SarahG, Aug. 27 at 7:56pm

When one/two people who work there make a bad decision, and the organization as a whole chooses not to throw them under the bus?  

Throw them under the bus? That phrase usually implies scape-goating, viz. throwing blame on someone who doesn't deserve it to protect the interests and reputation of someone higher up. That's not what I'm talking about at all. The normal way to respond to bad acting is to correct it, right? In other words, to hold the ones responsible for it responsible for it. Depending on the case, if we're talking about a Catholic organization, say, that might mean a friendly reminder, a reprimand, a censure, a demotion, or a firing. 

A sound organization has ways and means of adjudicating wrongs. A sound organization is willing and able to take responsibility for its acts and omissions as an organization. So, in the case of the apostoloate I mentioned, the leadership might have responded to critics by saying, "You're right. Our bad. In future, we will do better. Thank you for bringing this lapse in professional standards to our attention."

#7 - Aug. 27 at 9:25pm | quote

Katie van Schaijik

Internally, the leadership would have conducted an investigation, determined the facts, determined who was responsible for what, and called those employees on the carpet. He would have told them that their work was substandard and will have to improve.

That's the opposite of throwing people under the bus.

No reality-based person expects any organization or institution to be perfect.

But we can and do expect them to be responsible. Organizations (like individuals) that hide or deny or downplay their wrongs, or deflect all criticism back on to the moral character of the one making it—as if in order to fulfill their mission they have to have a perfect image—are dysfunctional. 

My advice is: Keep away.

#8 - Aug. 27 at 9:28pm | quote

 

SarahG

Thanks for your answer Katie.  I can agree wholeheartedly.  I would only hope that most folks wouldn't be too hasty in disengaging completely from something/someone without first letting the organization (or person) know what has happened and why.  I suppose a healthy dose of discernment and prayer is also needed when things go awry.  Thanks again!

#9 - Aug. 27 at 11:03pm | quote

Katie van Schaijik

In the case of the apostolate I mentioned that I used to support financially, I twice sent emails expressing my concern. I got no answer. Then I noticed on facebook that many others shared my concern. The public outcry became strong enough that the head of the organization wrote about it. He didn't just defend his organization, he touted the Christian heroism of its members. He didn't just disagree with the critics, he chastized them for their lack of charity.

That's when I determined to disengage, which is to say (in this case), stop sending them money.

#10 - Aug. 28 at 8:07am | quote

 

SarahG

Yikes!  I would have done the same. 

#11 - Aug. 28 at 11:48am | quote

 

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